I couldn't let Mother's Day go by without looking back on my story. I've been trying to write our detailed journey to becoming parents, but it is not easy. It's full of details and I'm struggling putting it into words. For now, let's glance back at the last 5 years.
We had been trying to get pregnant for 5 months. We were optimistic and naive and still thought it would be an easy road for us. Mother's Day was a day where I celebrated all the amazing mothers in my life.
I searched for a picture and couldn't find one. Wanna know why? I was depressed. I was sad. I was desperate. I was heart broken. We had been trying for a baby for 17 months. April 2012 was not only our due date for baby #1 but we had just miscarried baby #2. I did not want to celebrate Mother's Day. I simply wanted to skip it. Certainly the very last place I wanted to be was at church. I didn't want to fake it and smile. I wanted to be alone. I didn't want to join in the celebration going on all around me. At the time I was questioning if I would ever be celebrated as a mother. This may sound drastic but it's the way I felt at the time. If you've ever been in a place like this than you can probably relate.
My doctor had just told us he doubted we would be able to get pregnant on our own. I had a refrigerator full of expensive fertility drugs ready for another round. We were in a 3 month waiting period before they would allow us to try again.
I had a very sweet friend who was going through the exact same pain and we clung to each other. We needed one another to survive. We sat through 239024 million baby showers together. (Maybe more like 10 but it felt like a million) Then we sat through those same babies first birthday parties.
We told our hubbies we wanted to avoid church on Mother's Day 2012 and they planned a surprise day. We sat in the sunshine on a boat in the middle of the lake. It was glorious and just what we needed.
Yup...Just one year later. I was soaking up my first Mother's Day. What I didn't expect was the emotions that would overcome me on this day. I felt incredibly blessed to be the mama of the most precious little boy ever. I also felt sad and longing for the two babies that I had lost. Babies that I will hold one day in heaven.
Surprise. Just one year later and that's a one year old on my hip and a 28 week baby bump.
Same emotions as the year before.
By May 2015 I was finally feeling human again and had survived having 2 kids under 2 years old.
Mother's Day is still an emotional holiday for me. Just thinking about my boys and the true honor it is to be their mommy is enough to bring me to tears. When I think about all we have overcome to get here I just can't help feeling all the emotions. Through it all God was faithful. For all you ladies who are still longing for babies, it is not lost on me how painful and lonely the journey can be. Those of you who have lost little loves, you are also on my heart this weekend. I am praying for you. Praying for your story.